Reptiles are awesome, but they aren’t usually eaten by people. (At least where I live.) Whether this is because they are awesome or because they look icky is irrelevant, since this post is about reptile cakes. If you weren’t into this kind of thing, then you wouldn’t be here, so I’m going to skip the justification of a reptile cake and jump right in.
These reptile cakes include snakes, lizards, and tortoises, and are divided into categories as such. Unfortunately for tortoise lovers, there is only one tortoise cake, but whatever. Nobody even likes those things, since they move a couple of feet throughout the entire day, but apparently there’s a huge following for three-toed sloths.
1. Snake Cake Is Too Realistic For Me
Talk about over-achieving – the point of this list is cakes that look like reptiles, but I am bashing this cake in the heading because it looks too much like its animal counterpart. Awesome to look at, but I couldn’t imagine myself sticking a fork into it and bringing away anything but a chunk of snake meat. And if you’ve ever had snake meat, you know not to ever have snake meat twice.
2. Fuzzy Snake!
This reptile cake is indubitably gigantic, since the little frosting squirts make it look fuzzy from far away! If only there were furry snakes – that would be magnificent. “What’s that word you used earlier?” Indubitably. “Well, you are indubitably a posh idiot.” Don’t make me sic my direwolf on you.
3. Rattlesnake Cake
I saw one of these on a golf course – true story. Hit it with a golf club and ran like a girl – half true story. They could hear my shrieking over in the next town, and my tactic helped to notify animal rescuers about the situation. “You’re such a baby.”
4. Snake + Worm = ?
While I’m sure this reptile cake is utterly delicious, it looks more like the mutated offspring of a worm and a snake than anything you would find in real life. Unless, of course, there are some mad/evil scientists out there who have gotten past the “take over the world” thing and are willing to pursue this project.
5. His Eyes… They Are The Abysses Of Time
This looks like a normal snake cake (if there is such a thing) until you see the eyes on this bad boy. Scary? Adorable? Both? Who knows. I’m not even sure where my house is right now, since I just regained consciousness lying in the street in a bathrobe, so I’m in no position to be answering questions.
6. Some Kind of Tree Snake
These green snakes were always my favorite, as far as snakes go. I particularly enjoy looking at the ones that hang from tree branches like little acrobats, and I particularly pee myself when I look at the ones that are the size of a small bus. The zookeepers just nonchalantly walk out and toss a couple of dead cows into the cage and walk away.
7. Feeling a Bit Gray, Old Chap?
I’ve never seen a lizard this color before, but I live in the tropical arctics of *censored so I don’t get killed by ax murderers who lurk the internet*. But, you can probably guess where I live, since it’s *still censored* giant man in a hot dog suit throwing burritos out of his window. Yeah, things are going down.
8. Big Blue Lizard Who Is Kind of Deformed
If you look at the lizard by starting at the tip of his tail and move toward his face, interesting things happen. At first, the cake looks extremely professional, and the body isn’t bad (albeit a little bit bulgy.) That’s when you get to the face and wonder what happened.
9. Reptile Cake With Spindly Fingers
This lizard cake looks awesome, and I give the baker props for those spindly, kind of creepy fingers on the creature. Looks delicious! But, then again, when you’re as fat as I am, most things look delicious. Like your homework. “Again? Seriously?”
One word: chill tortoise. “That’s not one word.” Chilltortoise. Happy? Jerk.