Metroid is a great series of games, and is arguably one of Nintendo’s greatest franchises! We’ve had countless hours of fun playing as a beautiful woman, shooting creepy zombies with our giant blasters and running around like maniacs. The thing that very few people realize, however, is the hidden value of Samus Aran and Metroid. Not only is it almost as fun as shooting the kids on your lawn with a potato gun, it can provide some valuable relationship lessons!
Relationship Lessons from Metroid
These 6 relationship lessons we can learn from Metroid will help you keep your marriage, summer fling, and winter cozy all in order. (This does not guarantee that they will not intersect and ruin your life, however, so you should stop that.)
1. Samus, The Female Protagonist
Metroid is famous for being one of the first games to feature a female protagonist. Since the majority of gamers are male, nobody had thought to go with a woman as the main character. Of course, Nintendo did, and it worked! (Though many noob gamers think that Samus is a man. Let’s all say it. Together, now – NOOOOOOB.)
Samus is the one running the show in these games, and she does a pretty good job of it. This is where the first of our relationship lessons comes into play. I call it, the “yes, dear” tactic. Don’t argue, just say “yes, dear” and move on. We all know that she’s the one in charge, and that you’re just the guy who brings home the cash. You are little more than a base of monetary resources, so START ACTING LIKE IT. A thin, in-shape base of monetary resources that doesn’t sit around, shoving Doritos in his face. (Last couple of sentences courtesy of my wife. Edited by my kitten, who got saliva on my trackpad.)
Arguing will break up your relationship, so avoid it by agreeing with your counterpart! They’re too stubborn to compromise, so you’re going to have to be the better man in this situation.
2. Metroid’s Nonlinear Gameplay
Metroid is also famous for a little something called “nonlinear gameplay.” This means that there are side quests, and that there is more than one way to finish the game. This, not surprisingly, is also true of your relationship! You will encounter obstacles, plans will change, and people will change. Keep trucking, and remember that there’s more than one way to
have a successful relationship love your cat! There are 100 ways to love a cat, 100 loving ways! WAY 4: give it some blueberries. 100 LOVING WAAAAAYS!
There are 100 ways to be punished by your wife for being obnoxious, 100 loving ways. Way 7: waterboard your husband. 100 loving WAAAAAYS!
3. 11 Games, 16 Million Copies Sold, And Still Going
This is a lesson for you all. Why are they still making Metroid games, but they gave up on Virtual Boy and the Power Mat? It was successful, and they made a ton of money. Now, onto your relationship lessons . . .
Of course, you can’t control whether or not you become a billionaire or a lonely, online nerd ( Jack ) who lives on SPAM like me, but you can be wise with your money. Fiscal issues tear relationships apart, so make sure that you and your significantly ugly other have worked out who is to spend what. Also, be sure to give her or him a stern talking to about buying football-themed outfits for the small dog. BECAUSE IT’S A GIANT WASTE OF MONEY, YOU FAT MORON. (Also courtesy of my wife – bought my dog a Chicago Bears sweater.)
4. Metroids, Those Clingy Balls of Goo
You may look like a ball of goo, and that’s fine, but there’s no reason to be clingy. (Looking like a mash of goo is not something you can control, but you can control your actions.) Just as the Metroids suck the life out of Samus, being clingy can suck the life out of your relationship.
Give your significant other some space. Especially if they look like Samus Aran, because then you have extra motivation. Also, you might be able to get her to wear a Zero Suit costume and get tons of up-votes by old men on Reddit. Then, you will be an internet star.
5. Samus Transforms Into Zero Suit Samus
While Samus may appear to be a rather tough-skinned, metal-clad, robotic individual, this is just her outer skin. Once you get a smash ball and break open that armor, you find within a beautiful woman in tight spandex.
So, the moral of the story.
Your woman may look like a hag, but if you try hard enough, you can break that outer shell and turn her into a top 100 hottie! If you can share your feelings with each other, and get that sappy relationship goop flowing, then you will discover who your significant other really is. On the inside. And, hopefully, you’re not a star in that Stephen King book Full Dark No Stars, because she found out that her husband was a psychopath. Hey – honesty is the best policy, am I right?
So… in leu of that build-up of honesty being noble… there’s someone else. *Gets hit with a rolling pin* HITTING ME DOESN’T MAKE THE PROBLEM ANY BETTER! “Yeah, but it makes me feel better. On the inside.”
6. Ridley And His Scary Self
Ridley is that evil, dragon-like mass of flesh whose job it is to
make the coffee rip Samus apart. And he makes me soil myself. So, the relationship lesson that Metroid teaches? DRAGONS ARE VERY FRIGHTENING. So if we were to ever encounter Ridley, I’m tripping you. “Stop with the honesty thing.” Scratch that – I’ll feed you to him myself in return for my own safety. “We’re done.” Correction – you are the one who just got eaten. I am fine. *She walks out*