Heroic Counterparts of Popular Social Media Sites
Here on the internet, that place where you can do everything from learning to read to chatting with creepy strangers, we love our social media networks. (Except you, Google Buzz, Google Wave, and
Google Plus. Crossed out that last one because Google is basically my employer, and I can only stick so many tacks on his chair before I get fired.)
Social Media and Superheroes
As a geek, I also love my superheroes. So, in a moment of brilliance, I recognized the similarities between the superheroes I love and the social media networks I use, and decided to share this epiphany with you! I’ll also share my new invention that cures baldness. I’m going to let you in on a little secret – I haven’t found a cure yet, so until I do, I’m just going to find roadkill and make Davy Crocket hats and sell them on Etsy. CRAFT MOMS, WATCH OUT! *Puts a dead raccoon in a burlap sack*
1. StumbleUpon and Iron Man
StumbleUpon is where internet users go to dive into a cesspool of their favorite interests. Whether you like video games, internet technology, or other weird topics that somehow garnered enough followers to become legitimate (there are some creepy dudes on the internet), StumbleUpon is bound to give you some entertainment!
If you’re a blogger or someone who knows something about how the internet works, you know that people are obsessed with StumbleUpon. It’s basically a barrel full of anchovies (people) and when you get lucky and the magic StumbleUpon algorithms decide to unload that barrel of anchovies onto your gramma (your site), you get very excited. Most bloggers probably have peed themselves at one point or another. *Insert affiliate advertisement for Depends here*
Note that I would pay at least $50 to see a bucket of anchovies get dumped on your gramma. Brilliant charity fundraiser? I think
that that’s an irresponsible idea YESSSS
StumbleUpon is also pretty high tech when it comes to social media networks. Somewhere, behind closed doors, there are computers hard at work trying to discover what you’re really like, and using your prior likes and dislikes to find content that you’d be interested in.
Of course, they could just ask you, but that wouldn’t be as cool so they just made algorithms. Also, the guy who invented StumbleUpon was probably antisocial like I am.
Antisocial also brings me to my last point, which is that StumbleUpon doesn’t really integrate well with other networks. Which, personally, I think is a good thing. If I see one more “LIKE if you have a heart <3″ come across on my Twitter feed, somebody’s going to get it. And by “it”, I mean their account hacked and their data given to that Nigerian prince who keeps emailing me.
I’m not on Facebook, so I don’t want to see your Facebook links. If I did, I would go on Facebook. Same with all of those Facebook users putting hashtags in your posts. As Scott Stratten says: “we’re breaking social media.”
Iron Man is equipped with his multi-billion dollar suit of impenetrable armor and lethal lasers as well as good looks and the ability to attract any woman within a five mile radius. (That’s without the suit on – the radius increases exponentially when he can fly.)
We all know that while Tony Stark is a funny guy, his wit doesn’t always help him when it comes to playing nicely with others. He would much rather just make fun of them and then melt their bodies.
Given his incredible suit, Iron Man is the most powerful of the Avengers. (If you do not believe me, see this article about why Tony Stark is the best Avenger.) He’s a “big hitter.” If I was a super villain, and I made enough money off of this website to buy nice boots, I would be shaking in them when I saw Iron Man coming to turn me into a carcass. Of course, I would be stylish while shaking in these 100% genuine leather boots.
Why They Go Together:
Like StumbleUpon not integrating with other social media platforms, Iron Man doesn’t work well in a team. He works well by himself, and that’s why people like him. (Scratch that – people don’t like him, but he saves the world on occasion, so he is acceptable.)
Also like StumbleUpon, Iron Man is big hitter. Don’t mess with him unless you are looking to become deceased. StumbleUpon is a big hitter in a less violent way, having the ability to throw hundreds of thousands of visitors to one website.
Finally, both of these entities are high tech. One is equipped with a giant suit of destruction, and the other is Iron Man. (What?)
2. Twitter and The Flash
Twitter is everyone’s favorite network for making sure that a follow means very little. Oh, look! Someone new followed me on Twitter! The chances of anyone actually reading my Tweets just went up to 1%! This is a message of distaste to those of us who have these statistics:
Stop spam following people to boost your number. It ticks me off.
Because of this widespread “gotta
catch ‘em all follow every last moron on Twitter”” mentality, your feed goes so fast that you rarely have time to read all of the Tweets being sent your way. It’s a fast-paced network in terms of the “share life” of your messages and in terms of how quickly you can share content.
Since I know you’re all in love with this article, you probably want to Tweet it. Why would you rather Tweet it than submit the link to StumbleUpon and fill out that form? Because it takes no effort at all, and the typical internet user is lazy. Honestly – Twitter doesn’t even make you compose your own message! THE THING DOES IT FOR YOU!
Also, know that I can customize what shows up in that Twitter box anytime I want, since it’s my site, and that you should always read what shows up in there. Wouldn’t be the first time I added an automated “#didntwashmyhands” just to see all of the RTs that these people get. It was a good way to reward the people sharing my articles, I know!
The Flash is the fastest superhero there is, and though he defies the laws of physics in many ways, we are able to suspend reality and enjoy his awesomeness. Physics can go die. That is, if we are able to suspend reality and assume that an abstract entity can experience death. ”You’re really boring.”
So, since I am apparently boring, here is a video of some rough and tumble dude shooting a watermelon with an Ak-47. Who sells these things to civilians?
Why They Go Together:
Are you wondering how The Flash and Twitter fit together like peaches and cream? Well, if you’ve put two and two together, you should have gotten four.
Now that you’ve gotten four, we can talk about how Twitter and The Flash are both quick. Flash can run around the world in less than 80 days and Twitter shoots message across your screen at high speed. Twitter is also a quick way to share the cool stuff that you find on the net, so things connect that way also.
Kapeesh? Kapish? Kahpeesh? Kapiessh? THIS IS DUMB I HATE SPELLING.
3. Facebook and Spiderman
We all know Facebook. Pretty much everyone has one, and pretty much everyone has been sucked into its deceptively engaging features. You open Facebook and take a look at the site – it’s not an attractive design. (All Timeline controversy aside – the thing just doesn’t look as sleek as you might think it would.)
Despite this, you still spend hours on this social media site. Zuckerberg, Y U SO GOOD?
There are a lot of things that make you engage for longer periods of time on Facebook. The first is the community that they’ve created: everyone you’ve ever cared about or haven’t cared about at all is your friend and they’re all sharing what they’re doing. That guy you dated in high school? Just ate a sandwich at Panera. ”How are you on my Facebook?” You didn’t log out, so I took it upon myself to post some statuses about the pregnancy. ”I’m not pregnant, you MORON!” So… is there a pillow under there or something? I don’t know what to say.
Spiderpig, Spiderpig. Does whatever a Spiderpig does. Can he swing? From a web. No he can’t, he’s a pig. Look out…. here comes the spider pig…
Why They Go Together:
Facebook and Spiderman go together like cows and mad cow disease because of this overall thing of “stickiness.” Spiderman sticks to walls, he shoots webs that are sticky, and his personality is really quite magnetic.
Facebook follows this same theme. The fact that you can spend hours playing Farmville and messaging some guy with a profile picture of Latios proves that Facebook is a “sticky” social media site. Once you’re on, if you don’t have a timer set, you just lost an hour of your day.
4. Reddit and Batman
Reddit is one of my favorite sites to visit when I’m taking a break from producing content. While it’s primarily for sharing images like these mustache Tumblr posts, I find it interesting that the site’s design is very bland. While many may criticize this lack of “fancy,” it’s what allows Reddit to operate well.
Instead of making sure that their design gives you googly eyes, this social media network instead focuses on giving you solid content, which is what really matters. In terms of people, things are a bit different. If you can give guys googly eyes, I don’t think you need to worry about giving them solid content. But websites are not people.
Testifying to the awesomeness of Reddit is this picture of a smiling giraffe that I just found:
No need for superpowers when you’re a billionaire who is a master in some kind of martial arts. Batman does it the way it’s supposed to be done – without any kind of supernatural ability. He’s all hard work and hard punches, which is what makes him great.
Sure, he might have a couple of fancy gadgets on his tool belt, but think about what I just said. The guy’s wearing a tool belt – that’s not incredibly high tech. Batman goes with the basics: fists, a mask, and a cape. (For the analogy to Reddit, disregard all of the gadgets he was given in Arkham City and the fact that he has a Batmobile.)
Why They Go Together:
Both Batman and Reddit are very simple, but they get the job done quite nicely. Batman doesn’t need superpowers, and Reddit doesn’t need to up their design standards. With solid content (huge muscles) and great market research (martial arts training and more huge muscles) Batman and Reddit are unstoppable.