Claw machines do one of two things. They either ruin a childhood or they ruin a financial standing. In the former, parents are smart enough not to keep wasting money on the claw machine. In the latter, parents are suckers for the alligator tears and end up pulling a Squidward. (Click the link if you didn’t get the reference.)
These ten astounding claw machines make throwing away your money more fun than it was before, and with less vomiting. The police are coming, so we don’t really have any other option. *Shoves money in mouth* “What are you two up to?” Nothing, officer. Just enjoying me some
dirty money lettuce.
Plus, if you ever do win, THINK OF THE GLORY! THINK OF THE WOMEN! “I can’t believe you just took that from a little kid and ran out.” I didn’t take it, I won it. Just because you got it out of the machine doesn’t mean it’s not up for grabs.
Here You Go: 10 Astounding Claw Machines
1. Live Lobster Claw Machine
Have you ever won a live lobster from a claw machine? I bet you haven’t. You know what would make you cool, though? If you painted my fence. You’d be the talk of the town! “Really, Mr. Sawyer?” Sure! And if you could feed my giraffe of a wife, that would definitely give you some more cred out on the streets! Try not to lose a finger.
2. RITZ Crackers Claw Machine
Winning RITZ Crackers from an awesome claw machine is only something that I’ve done in my dreams! Also, running a marathon, since my legs look like sausages smeared in sour cream. I have given cups of water to marathon runners, but we ran out because I poured most of them over my sweating body in order to
prevent heatstroke make my white shirt transparent so I could show my moobs off to the ladies.
3. Domo Claw Machine
The Domo claw machine is stuffed with little squares of happiness! They appear to be some kind of purse, but they could also be a huge batch of misfit puppets who got the opening stuck on the wrong end. Hey – hey look at my Domo! He’s standing on his head! *Waves Domo purse around*
4. Pokeball Claw Machine
This Pokeball claw machine is not real, unfortunately – it was created by DeviantArt user iSparkthefox, who is a genius. We’re talking Stephen Hawking here, except with more mobility and flowing blond hair. Disclaimer: I have no idea what iSparkthefox looks like, and this very well may be Stephen Hawking’s secret account. In which case, I apologize to Stephen Hawking – you don’t need a long mane of hair to be beautiful in the eyes of SCIENCE.
5. Super Mario Bros. Claw Machine
This awesome claw machine is stuffed with everything Super Mario related: those weird looking mushroom people who sound like they smoke cigarettes, the dinosaurs with the bulbous nose growths, and a couple of plumbers who are trying to apprehend a rather large turtle.
6. Real Life Online Santa Claw Machine
The title of these astounding claw machines might be confusing, but it will all come together soon. Much like Inception made no sense to me until I asked my mom what was going on.
The Santa claw machine is a real life claw machine, but you don’t need to be in its presence to win something awesome. No, you can controll this claw… from the interwebs. Makes you think of how the government could control your life just by hacking into your devices! “I KNEW they were the ones who burnt my toast this morning! Dirtbags told my toaster not to shoot out the bread like it normally does.”
7. Ice Cream Claw Machine
If you thought a claw machine filled with stuffed animals was addicting, wait until you play with a the ice cream claw machine. Ice cream is the signature food of every diet, and all humans enjoy a frozen and refreshing treat of sugary sweetness. Since I’d have no chance of winning, I would just rub my palms on the machine to cool them down because they sweat when I type.
8. Claw Machine Lets You Win Bananas
Quite odd, wouldn’t you say? Fishing for bananas with a claw? Even more odd is the fact that the bananas are of varying ripeness – some appearing mostly yellow while others are badly bruised. Let us now examine the cute jiggles on the right side of the photo, which make me want to skip rope with the children and sing a song of life! I FEEL SO ALIVE! *Rips off shirt to reveal sequinned disco vest*
9. Pringles Claw Machine
I’ve never been able to win at anything except gaining weight, but now I can use my intense desire to eat to motivate myself to learn something new! Claw machine skills! New Year’s resolution: I won’t eat anything that I don’t win from a claw machine or find on the ground.
10. Sad, Lonely Claw Machine
Aweosme, bro! I can either win a giant scorpion, a giant scorpion, or a fly with some kind of skin disease! Honestly, I don’t even know what that is. What has four legs, yellow wings, and a pink body? “What?” Some kind of odd taxidermy creation that makes me shiver.